Let's Play ANOTHER Fun Game

This game is going to be much more fun than “What’s That Smell?” or “How Old Are These Leftovers?”

Today’s game is “what crawled into my trunk and ate the faces from my peeps?”

Bet YOU can’t wait to play.

Why I Need a Secretarial Job

I know that there’s so much unemployment right now I should be grateful I have a job at all, but this particular job, process improvement with expertise in a very specific software suite, is so…um….challenging…yeah, that’s it.  That being said, I’m tired of taking my considerable training and expertise and having it flung to the wayside in favor of the “we’ve always done business this way” sentiments.  Always having done it, apparently wasn’t working well, which is why YOUR company decided to change.  This was not an overnight decision, I know for a fact it was researched nearly a year before they decided to start the initiatives.  So…I need a new job….the secretarial type because:

1)      I type really fast and all I get are complaints here at work that I’m going too fast for people to watch what I’m doing.  Sir, our limited meeting time is not intended for training.  Please, arrange a time, off line, for training with me…I’ve got my thumb up my ass all day EXCEPT in this meeting.

2)      I follow instructions that I’m given.  Yes, I might come up with a faster way of doing something, but I’ll make sure to do it your way at least twice before deviating to get the SAME result.

3)      I have a friendly phone voice, even when being stern screening phone calls.  No one calls me here see thumb reference above.

4)      I dress professionally, squirreled away in a cubicle, no one sees me…not even my boss.

5)      I don’t find your non-work requests demeaning, meaning, yes, I will bring you coffee or water – I’ll even run errands for you (if you pay my POV mileage).

6)      I don’t take offense to “off color” statements or jokes….please, I work at Faire in my off time.

If given this work environment I would very likely have my brain switch off, so I’m likely to need extra mental stimulation, but if I’ve done everything needed of me, I don’t see an issue working a crossword puzzle quietly while I remain at the ready.

Yeah…that type of job would give me a 2/3 pay cut, but man, at this point I’m almost ready to live in a box or surf people’s couches and good will if I could ditch this job.

RenFaire Weekend 3 part 2 of 2

On Sunday we had a local game “Peep the peeps” or “Check-Out the Chicks” where we hid little chenille chickens in our guild yard for kids to spot.  There was also an officially sanctioned, RenFaire Easter Bunny for the kids…very cool.  And then, the egg hunt for the patrons.

The weather was great…for me…overcast and cool but still bright out.  Between the weather and Easter I’m sure is why there didn’t seem to be that many people around.

I ended up opting for servant status on Sunday as there was no one left to fill the role…it was very different, I have to say…and fun for a change.  Also fun were the people who didn’t recognize me without the face paint or those who didn’t realize I was someone different (those people are way more observant because I can be fooled by a different costume.)

It was a long couple of days with very little sleep…I ended up taking Monday off because I would’ve been nearly useless at the office.

What did I think was funniest this weekend? Well, I posted a “No Money, No Cunny” sign on the inside backdoor to the house, I stapled it up higher and I heard “No one will know you did that, because they’ll think you can’t reach.”

Also there was an argument about inserting something into a guy…it’s a long set up but ended up with me saying “not if I shove my fist up your pee-hole.”  Which, it probably why I’m still single.

I had a super-extra moment of adorable when I saw the Tinker with his little boy at the 5:00 Boggards’ show…he was just clapping his hands and tapping his feet…occasionally head-banging…super cute.  Reminds me…gotta’ get that full hysterectomy so I don’t “accidentally” end up with one of those based on a random moment of witnessed “cute.”

RenFaire Weekend 3 part 1 of 2

This weekend was…hmmmm…interesting?  WoodTurnerD couldn’t come out on Saturday as there was no one to watch the dog at home.  CousinH had a dental appointment in L.A. and Mr. Dog cannot be left alone.

I arrived late-ish Friday night, after the horror of not being able to get to CreepyKid’s performance of “Promedy” at school.

I got turned around at the get of the military installation where she attends school because I didn’t have proof of insurance.  Yes, you got that right, while I DO have insurance, I couldn’t find my proof of insurance.  They “called it in” wherein my assumption would be that I have insurance therefore I may proceed.  15 minutes standing in the wind to be told “You have insurance….now go home and get proof of insurance, we can’t let you on without.”  I was really unhappy because they could’ve just said that to begin with, but I’m sure they were looking to write a nice fat ticket or impound my car if I had no insurance.  Luckily I buried my pissed-off-ed-ness under my veil of nice and got a bunch of apologies on my way out and back in.

That, meant, though, I missed the show and left 30 minutes later than I would’ve gotten to otherwise.

We stopped for groceries in Adelanto, which is nearly-like the half-way mark and I got to the site around 10:30.  I was too tired to bring in all the stuff from my car and doubly pissed when I had to move my car lest it potentially be towed. >:-/  But, what are you going to do…

After a not-nearly-long-enough night’s sleep, I brought in my stuff, helped set up the stage and backstage, got partially dressed and was told to attend the all cast meeting under pain of death.  So there I went…trudging along and sitting up front so I could hear…usually that meeting is full of stand-talkers so I can’t hear.

Apparently the company let go of the newly-hired-this-year costume designer.  This is the person who is responsible for the look of all the people at the Faire.  There was no reason given as to why or what went on to reach that decision.  We were told that we could spread the word, but don’t spread rumors, which, I must admit, is easier to do when you know the whole story instead of leaving it open for speculation.

There was some heated discussion and all I wished was I could crawl in a hole when they were talking, or more precisely yelling.  I’ve been on the receiving side of that type of venom and it always feels like a personal attack…and then when I don’t agree with the decision of the higher-ups it makes it worse…stuck in the middle, left alone to defend myself.  Crappy.  After THAT stellar a start the day was kinda’ shot…but I had a couple of shots and the day got better.

On a up note, though, I was able to distribute some of WoodTurnerD’s finished products to their owners…and that’s always nice.  A cudgel and a wooden toy sword…adorable.

I Torture My Friends

So, I have a friend that is very bothered by the concept of “The Human Centipede, ” I say “bothered by the concept” as she’s never watched the movie, just the trailer.  When it is mentioned she gives a wonderful reaction…or over-reaction depending on how you look at it.

Because of this, out daily goal at Faire seems to be to mention it at least thrice daily.

In honor of her I made this flow chart.

Enjoy!

Be Careful What You Say…Or How You Say It

So I was reading a small passage from a book describing one of the four girls Elizabeth Holland kept at her house.  She was described as short and lusty…a wanton.  However I pronounced it as “wonton.”  It was early in the day…um…I had little sleep…uh…I don’t read aloud well?

I hear the following (in character voices):

“Wonton….I’m hungry”

“She was a wonton, and with her we made a delightful crab Rangoon”

So I turn to Madam and ask “so fried or steamed?”

“I like steamed.”

“Does that mean I’m limp and full of meat?”

This, dear readers, is why I love my friends….makes me giggle even now.

RenFaire Weekend 2

A longer weekend, with the inclusion of school day, we got down there Thursday and I didn’t’ get home until 11:30ish Sunday night, Monday was not a fun day…can you say “dragging ass?”

Saturday was really hot, well, at least compared to the previous weekend…my guild managed to keep it together, but a bunch of people went down in the heat.

This weekend there was a rash of theft on site…some of the stuff I can see wanting to take (an expensive new hat, someone’s wallet) but other things (someone’s street shoes…CreepyKid’s hat) I can’t see.  CreepyKid is unhappy because her hat had her hat BAND on it, which she wanted to put on her new hat that she’s yet to get.  The old hat had large bites out of the brim, where the cats had chewed on it, but someone saw fit to take it.  Some people’s kids, really!  The disheartening part is that this was happening before the gates opened, which means someone is stealing from their own people.  Honestly…why would you do this when you know that a) you’re going to be found out and b) when you’re found out you will be in legal trouble as well as black-balled from your chosen community.

Oh, and I managed to be the recipient of attention from two separate douchebags, you know...those that come to a battle of wits, unarmed.

All that aside….

The House went to see Hey Nunnie Nunnie which is very funny.  Those Nuns work hard and gig when they’re not on their stage…I wish they were there for the whole run, but I guess it leaves people wanting more.

My personal funny this weekend had to do with the Puritans…Bacon Bit yanked a bible page out and handed it to Mary Milker…HOURS of comedy ensued as WE read it, OTHERS read it and then explained it to even more people.

Firstly, it said whoever removed the page from the bible would be damned, that means you, my goodly Puritan!  Secondly, it had in large red font that the lord came quickly…which is great for our house because you don’t pay by the hour.  On top of all that the word “man” was shown italicized for emphasis…so I assume it didn’t apply to women.

Oh, and yes, I did stick a bunch of money in my mouth…I paid off like a slot machine!  Now..where are those hepatitis vaccinations?

RenFaire - School Day

Had a blast on school day!  There can be no whores on school day, even if they did exist, so the front porch was overtaken by the kitchen staff.

Cookie ensured we had enough interesting ingredients for us all to make interesting hand pies:

Assorted herbs and spices

Mushrooms of three interesting varieties

Aromatics - garlic, onions, leeks, etc.

Lard and butter (for two types of dough)

Eggs: chicken, duck and goose

AND THEN…THE MEAT

Fish: salted, smoked, and fresh

Oysters, pre-shucked

Whole, fresh-water shrimp

Duck, an entire duck to break down, head and feet still on

And heart…beef and lamb

Much to the delight of the passers-by the dough was made, ingredients prepared, cooking techniques discussed, herbs ground and sniffed, herbs crushed and smelled and those that came by at the end of the day could see the finished product as Edith gobbled it down along with the Taxman and Prudence.

Brown was stewarding for the day “Waste not, want not…” as the salt was spilled, flour scattered and spices ground for no purpose but for learning.  In fact, Brown, as good as he is, was able to steward with his eyes shut for a while, while Cookie was filling pies.

When I could no longer help chopping I mended a skirt and gossiped with Prudence while she made cord.

I think it was a huge success and hopefully will aid in our continued request to maybe, possibly, potentially having a kitchen in the guild that does those types of demos.

What did I learn? Well…the heart is a muscle just like any other and tastes just like any other piece of meat, unlike the organs (liver, kidneys, etc.)  I will remember this well, I must have heard it 100 times BUT, it was new to those who were hearing it for the first time! ;-)

Something to Think On….

For all you girls who like to go commando at Faire.  This foot was in a sock, in a shoe under two skirts and sitting on a porch for most of the day.  What do you think your crevices look like if you’re not wearing panties?

RenFaire Weekend 1

While I had a late start on Saturday, Sunday everyone was out on time…which was great.  The Queen managed to get to Ives each day and entertainments and presentations were planned.

We had some (planned) rumors circulating, which was fun to hear how far they spread and most things went off hitch-free.

And in the “hurray for me section” everyone liked the fancy curtain that I bought for the window and it was hung masterfully by Constable Stocks.

We had a film crew on Sunday, not sure if, when and where that footage will see the light of day, but I signed my release.

I found out the name of the character one of my favorite people-who-don’t-know-I-exist is playing and some fun ensued with that piece of info, and now I have something historical to go look up…apparently am only happy when I’m looking up stuff…almost as though I’m perpetually a Scooby-Gang member from BtVS.

Some of the more funny moments:

Three lepers came to the house, they called us the Whore Hut and then started talking all about RuPaul’s Drag Race

The next day two nuns and two puritans were on the porch, discussing why women aren’t as bad as they would seem.   Aaaaa-meeeen (no, woman)..Aaaaaa-womaaaaannnn.

There was an adorable little girl there, less than 2 wearing a huge gold wind up key on her back.  A Puritan tried sneaking up and her and said “Jesu wants me to wind you up.”

Elsa gave the little girl her pearls to give to the Queen, then she jumped up and told QE1, “babies are bad for business.”

A goodly woman, the potter, was forced to step on the porch’s steps to retrieve someone’s cloak and Madam Amy broke poor Balthazar (the Mayor’s assistant) by telling him that she rules the house with an iron fist…and the iron fist costs extra.

Most of it you couldn’t script if you wanted to and much falls into the category of “you had to be there.”  So my suggestion…come out…be there!

Why Creepy Lost Her Shit This Weekend

Ah yes, if you saw me or my FB posts this weekend you know I had a complete melt-down.  For someone with a family history of mental instability and certifiable lunacy you must realize this is a real fear for me, that I will completely lose it and wind up a vacant-eyed medicated zombie rocking back and forth in a white padded room; Knowing that and realizing just how quickly I can snap makes it all the more frightening.

That being said, I lost it on Friday night when I got in late (10:30 at night) to the Faire site and found my tent space occupied and my tent was set up in not only the wrong location, but specifically in a place it couldn’t permanently stay.

Let’s back up to earlier in the week to find out why this is the proverbial camel’s back-breaking straw……<wavy lines for remembering>…

Work is currently crappy

I work for a government contractor, and the government has no budget and is threatening to furlough its employees, of which I count as one.  Now,  most of the time people get back-pay to make up for the no-pay they receive during the furlough – however, as a contractor I only get paid for hours I support, so I get no back pay.  So here I am looking at the potential of an indefinite period of time where I’m receiving no pay. 

Sure, everyone is saying it’s just posturing and that there will be a budget by Monday or Tuesday….that doesn’t allay my fears – sorry….speculation is just that and the continued instruction on how to do an “orderly shut-down” and fact that turning on my laptop would constitute a federal office does nothing to promote a sense of job security.

On top of that, on Thursday I get a visit from my boss.  I mean my actual BOSS, not my middle manager…I never see anyone…I was told if I do my job well, everything’s fine, I won’t see them.  So what did I do wrong?  I get ushered into a meeting room…a closed door meeting, ugh. Turns out that while I am a CCPM specialist it’s stepping on the project planning toes of the other contractor here – they’ve been given an opportunity to submit a proposal by 31 May to take over the singular position…my position.  I was told that I might get a job offer from them, but they are a VERY small company….something around 10 people, which means the benefits and wages are likely not comparable.  So regardless of furlough I may be out of a job.

Personal Life is currently not stellar

Now, let’s take a look at my personal life….

I’m currently living in a house I’m trying to arrange to be able to short-sell.  I’m supporting myself and two other adults as well as a college bound child, a dog I don’t want and three destructive cats.

It’s not as though I don’t get any help at home, it’s just so much on my shoulders.

Add to that I have started to try dating, which is an additional stress that I wonder “Why am I doing that to myself?”

Faire – My Fun-Time Hobby

So there I am, tired, late at night, all of that shit piled on top of me…..

I had previously arranged a spot for my tent; it had even been announced at the Guild meeting on Sunday of last weekend.  I specifically had told my Guild Master that I wanted a guaranteed space before I brought my stuff out because the year I had my stuff evicted from the storage space in the top of the house I littered the Bell’s back yard with my crap….it was unfair to everyone including me, because I have a long haul from my home and I need to put my belongings somewhere.

So there I am bringing in my tent, cots, sleeping bags, pillows, guild dishes my dishes costumes, CreepyKid’s costume box a cooler, ice, medicine chest, bag after bag of OTC meds and food, books and make-up….along with WoodTurnerD’s equipment and tools – only to find out that I don’t have a space, I’m in my Household’s back yard, where I specifically stated I COULDN’T be, I can’t stake down and I can’t put my stuff away because it’s all going to have to move tomorrow.

*SNAP*

That was it…I’d had it…( I was so angry I was actually shaking with rage).  I don’t ask for much and I seem to get even less.  So frustrating…so instead of lighting the offending other tent on fire with the occupants inside OR randomly stabbing through the nylon with a large, yet painfully blunt cooking knife, I passive-aggressively growled and stomped every time I had to walk by the tent.  I also cried all night long…I had no other choice…um…because the other choices involved murdering other-tent occupants.

So, a night of no sleep, very angry me….

Add to that the architect of the town telling me there was plenty of room behind the building for me where I was.  I finally told him that I’d have my head of household work it with him because I was done.  I also had to not speak to anyone I normally eat breakfast with because I would’ve taken off a head or two…and that’s not good because it’ll always come back to bite you.  Instead I ate dry oatmeal in the back of my house.

WoodTurnerD re-staked the snow-fence that was marking the Guild’s back area with a public through-way and we reset the tent there.  (I had been told there wasn’t enough fence to move or stretch, but apparently I was misinformed.)

By the time we opened I’d had some calming potables and set up my belongings out of the way…however I was at least an hour late onto the stage. Bummer.

I managed to make everyone involved feel badly…which wasn’t my intent, I just wanted that piece of my life to go smoothly….I didn’t think it was too much to ask for, but apparently I was wrong.  The tent-occupant I found was Constable Bottom and his wife, he apologized profusely, and said he would move.  I had to tell him the truth, the spot is now tainted and nothing anyone could do now would change what had already been done.  Best to put it behind us now that it’s all settled…and then we had a drink on it.

So, I guess I mean to say that I eventually got my shit together. ;-)

CreepyKid’s Birthday

So CreepyKid managed to stretch her birthday out over the course of several weeks.  Last weekend we did Porto’s cupcakes at Faire with her guild.  She got brownies on her actual birthday at school and then dinner out to a local place.

Sunday we went to Pann’s for dinner, got ourselves a $5.00 milkshake and had a blast having a meal with the family….the loud family.  It was a nice meal and a fast walk from my parent’s place, but I had my Bro drive since I didn’t want to walk in pumps.

Monday we played hooky, well, work new I was taking time off for the Kid’s birthday and they approve that message.  We spent all day hanging out at Sis’ apartment, in fact CreepyKid spent two hours soaking in the tub and doing Sudoku puzzles.

There was dinner, PF Chang’s with Sis and NephewG, man we raised some Jewish kids, “Can I have the Chow Fun with chicken instead of beef, no leeks, and skinny Chow Mein noodles?”  I was having a “When Harry Met Sally” moment.

Then skating at 8ish, we didn’t get there until 8:15 and we left shortly after 9…my knee hurt, Kid was tired…but it was good.  I even gave her the small birthday present I got for her, a roller-skate charm for her charm bracelet.

Hope it’s a birthday worth remembering.

Final Weekend of Build

It’s hectic, but the canvas on the fence is up…it’s about time…it’s nearly here folks….nothing left but makin’ memories at this point.

Alright, so this weekend I was a bit of a slacker, I have to admit.  I left Saturday by 5 and Sunday at 4, but I had other, later commitments.

We managed to trim the house and it was being touched up when I left.  The porch is painted and I hear the fancy chair may be gold leafed.

I got my costume approved but was told my pink was too pink so I’m toning it down with coffee.  My sleeves are TOO blue…they, with my bloomers are getting a tea soak – or tan dye, not sure which.

So, I have my parking pass, my camping pass and my gate pass…I need to pay my household dues and my guild dues (for my privy pass).

Can’t wait to see you all out there!