Open Letter to SFV Starbucks

Dear San Fernando Valley Starbucks:

Just because a cute girl that I purchased coffee for gives me a hug with a reach-around titty squeeze doesn’t mean that we’re a couple, or that I’m a lesbian.  For Christ’s sake, that’s my sister!

But, thank you so much for your smile with my Venti double-sugar, extra caffeine and fat!

My Weekend

I had a wonderful weekend, despite the car service bill and the heavy rain.  After spending four hours at the local Starbucks (where both the WiFi and the coffee flow like wine) I received a car with all new belts and I got a clear conscious to drive anywhere I like without fear of breaking down in the back-woods.

Cousin H and I drove to the Valley on Friday, I spent the night at Sis’ place, she was away (as usual)…I really need to befriend her perpetual-partying neighbors.  I was really excited when I pulled up to her place, I got an awesome parking spot, I didn’t notice it was in an ankle deep puddle…which I found…wearing sandals…and long-hemmed pants.

Saturday I went to a costuming class with Sis, yes I dragged her there with me – she had a good time (OR ELSE!).  I was going to go out and grab some food with a friend I haven’t seen in eight years but have known since I was 11 or 12 –the rain cancelled the not-so-firm plans, but I did chat with him for a while and find out another friend of mine was on his FB page, I hadn’t seen her since I was 17ish…boy has SHE changed.

Sunday was Disneyland in Your Pajamas day, a well known and celebrated Disney day that I made up.  I went to buy some special PJs just for the day, Sis made the mistake of letting my buy for her…yellow striped bottoms, yellow print top and a red long sleeve undershirt.  I think I saw her wearing black so I had to buy her colors…LOTS of them.

It was cold but not rainy, we looked super cute and had a fun time at the big D.  However, we noticed that Critter Country was closed…then Indy was closed…and the Jungle Cruise, it was like we were slowly being funneled to Tomorrowland.

We got a lame Jungle Cruise captain…he drawled everything like a vatto and sounded something like “Theese is faaamooosss Switerz faaaaalls named aftar the famous Albeeeer Faaaaalllsss” essay…I was waiting for him to tell us all about the sweet hydraulics he put on the boat.

Anyway, aside from the minor setbacks like my broken nail, Sis’ temporarily lost iPad, and the NASTY little girl I bumped on my way out. OMG…RUDE!!  Aside of those things it was magical.  We stayed for fireworks and even ran into some nice guys on our final ride of the night Space Mountain.

And for a long weekend it sure was short, I gotta’ win that lotto or sumthin’!

It IS a small world, after all

It doesn’t help that I only travel/socialize in the Southern California area, but I must admit it disturbs me when I find out my parents are FB friends with my friend’s friends or I look up someone I knew in elementary school and find out she knows friends of mine.  This last one though really got me…

I was trying to make distracting small talk with my Buffi-Mom and good friend E when I mentioned I went out on a lunch date with a guy named Nev.  I described the lunch and the movie and was going on about how I wasn’t going to see him again when Buffi-Mom chimed in, “Did you say he lives in the AV?”

“Yes, in Palmdale”

“And he works in an Italian restaurant in the valley?”

“Yes, Bucca in Encino with my cousin.”

“Steer CLEAR of him…he was sleeping with my friend Patti AND her daughter at the same time several years ago.”

“IT WAS JUST LUNCH!!!!”

But yes, the fact that he was older than my father and had several grandkids really did turn me off – but this last piece of news will probably keep me out of the Encino Bucca for a good long time.  Here’s to hoping he takes my hint of not asking him out again that he should lose my number.

I’m Gay, but Only With My Family (part 3)

I would say this is the LAST one, but I doubt it!

Once again out with Sis, we pass a sex shop “near” her house and she decides we MUST go in – well, last time we tried it was closed for some private event.  We go in and stare in amazement at the stuff buy and make and the SIZES it comes in – honestly I’m just not going to let someone come at me with the size of some of these things….I digress.

We come up to the masturbators, the ones that “look” like mouths and have “real feel” or whatever it is and Sis says, “I want to feel it!”  Well, there’s a little dot of material on the OUTSIDE so you CAN feel it, and I tell her so. A little loudly she says “NO, I want to stick my finger in it and pull it out to see what it feels like!”

So a little bit loudly I say “I’ll buy you one and you can finger it all night long!”  I’m not sure if the staff actually looked at us, but we WERE the only people in the shop.

We were giggling about my comment as we left the place, and I was relating my matress story to her when we opened the door to a wide-eyed man who was trying to come in and I looked down, oh yeah, Sis is wearing her rainbow arm warmers.

She’s my sister, I SWEAR!

I’m Gay, but Only With My Family (part 2)

I’m out with Cousin H and she asks if we could go mattress shopping.  Sure, why not, I know she wants a mattress instead of the bedroll she’s using and I could use a replacement for my xxx year old mattress too.

Marching into the mattress shop she hops onto a bed and was telling the sales person that she needed a twin size and was discussing materials, prices, etc.  The gal hears something and goes to check her loading bay and I decide to  climb up into the bed with Cousin H.  She giggles and admits that she nearly put her arm around me, but decided not to, as we were in public.  So I relate my Bath and Body works story to her.

We wander around climbing into one bed and another, chatting the whole time.  I did notice we fit just fine side by side in a twin and marveled at the fact my family’s mostly pretty tiny.  Anyway, the sales gal came back and I asked for the make/model of the memory foam mattress I liked best and an estimate for it in a full size.

“So you like this mattress better than that one?” She pointed at the pillow-top, spring mattress Cousin H wanted.

“Yes, I do, but this one’s for me and that’s for her.”

“So this one, not that one.  And you wanted it in a twin?”

“No, a full,” she furrowed her brow and gave me a confused look and a light came on in my head.  “OH, the twin is for her bed, the full is for mine, she’s my cousin.”

So we get the pricing information and it came up something-69…Cousin H said “That sounds like a great price for a bed,”  the sales lady rolled her eyes.  Hey, neither H nor I invented it…just sayin’.

I’m Gay, but Only With My Family (part 1)

After my horrible trip into Hallmark at Christmas, my Sis and I ducked into Bath and Body Works where I nearly ran (literally) into their sales guy – I was walking with a narrowed focus and didn’t see him.  He stopped me, looked into my “basket” and saw a set of products in “Oak” which is a man’s collection.  He looked at me and offered his opinion as a sales-person and a man, “Oh, I don’t really like that scent, I prefer the other two.”

I looked at him and smiled “Oh, but I like them and they’re for me.”  The look of confusion swept over his face, puzzled he said “Wow, I wear florals and fruit scents, whatever I feel like in the morning, but I’ve NEVER had a girl buy those men’s products.” 

He stopped me twice more in the store, the last time he said “I still can’t believe that you wear those…amazing.”

So I couldn’t help myself, “Guys will sidle up to me and say ‘wow, you smell really good.’ And I say,” and I put my arm around Sis’ shoulders, “Yeah, like a man, right??”  He smiled, blushed and walked away.  It was a much better finish to my shopping trip.